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How not to share books with your partner
Jan. 19th, 2004 03:43 pmThere's a wonderful book that I keep losing, 'The Power Tactics of Jesus Christ.' Its a series of essays on psychotherapy and life skills, and I keep losing it because I keep loaning it to people and then never getting it back. Anyway, one of the best essays in it is 'how to have a miserable marriage,' which opens with 'marry someone inappropriate,' then moves on to 'never resolve conflict' and 'fail to respect your partner's needs' and continues to work from there. [For everyone who's been watching my own private soap opera, please keep the obvious 'pot, kettle, black' comments to yourself, I already went there on my own time. At least I skipped the first step!]
Anyway, this (and a recent episode of 'Coupling') brings me to the subject of today's essay: How to destroy your relationship by sharing books with your partner. Most important, as in all 'how to destroy your relationship' processes, is to disrespect your partner's identity, choices, and opinions. You know better what makes them tick, what they're doing, and why they're doing it, than they possibly could. After all, you've been reading pop psych books.
As you read your pop psych texts, carefully underline every passage that describes what they've been doing that you can't stand, and why they've been doing it. Then idly leave the book around the house, waiting for them to pick it up and take the hint. After they haven't for a few weeks (or worse yet, have mistaken the book for one that was accidently left out, and carefully reshelved it!), pick up the book and follow them from room to room, reading your underlined passages, especially while they're doing some semi-obligatory task, like housecleaning, or cooking, or taking care of the car, infant, or family pet. That way, not only can you be intensely passive aggressive about your own feelings, but you can discomfort your partner while they're doing something they're probably unwilling, or at least unprepared, to simply walk away from. Then lovingly and acceptingly go on and on about how now you understand what's going on in their head, and why they've been behaving the way the book is describing. Also belabor the point that you've never really understood them before you found this one deeply revealing text, but now everything is finally clear.
Now, you can go for the gold - "Now that I know why you're doing this, I can begin to accept that you can't really talk about it with me yet, and maybe you aren't even being honest with yourself about it.' By saying that, not only do you completely invalidate any possible actual feelings they may be having, you even invalidate any attempts they may make to communicate with you, all while appearing to be genuinely concerned for their wellbeing and the welfare of the relationship. Congratulations, you've hit the Trifecta! If your partner started out willing to work on whatever issues the two of you have, you've now ensured that they are committed to a course of quiet seething and adamant refusal to negotiate. Well done. Soon you too will be able to sit at the bar quietly (or loudly) lamenting how another of your relationships inexplicably soured as soon as you really committed yourself to working on it, and why is it that no one is ever willing to work on a relationship in good faith.
Well.
On a somewhat less sarcastic note, underlining pop psych books can actually be helpful. In particular, sharing the parts that describe you and how you're feeling can be very useful, particularly if you have trouble clearly arranging or articulating your own thoughts and feelings. If your partner gives you a blank or confused look whenever you try to explain your internal state, either you're a pit viper, they're a pit viper, or you have trouble clearly articulating your own thoughts and feelings. Now, this is actually a pretty easy test. Look at your feet. Do you have them? Good, you're not a pit viper. Now, look at your partner. Have they got feet? Ok, since there are very few bipedal pit vipers, odds are pretty good that they aren't a pit viper either, and one or both of you are just bloody inarticulate. This is actually a really, really useful discovery - because now you can spend some time trying to be open, honest, and clear about how you feel, and giving your partner the chance to respond intelligently and lovingly to your concerns. And maybe if you try to do it in a better way than the losing behavior I described above (which luckily I've never been the victim of, but friends have actually told me that they do!), it will actually do you some good.
Anyway, this (and a recent episode of 'Coupling') brings me to the subject of today's essay: How to destroy your relationship by sharing books with your partner. Most important, as in all 'how to destroy your relationship' processes, is to disrespect your partner's identity, choices, and opinions. You know better what makes them tick, what they're doing, and why they're doing it, than they possibly could. After all, you've been reading pop psych books.
As you read your pop psych texts, carefully underline every passage that describes what they've been doing that you can't stand, and why they've been doing it. Then idly leave the book around the house, waiting for them to pick it up and take the hint. After they haven't for a few weeks (or worse yet, have mistaken the book for one that was accidently left out, and carefully reshelved it!), pick up the book and follow them from room to room, reading your underlined passages, especially while they're doing some semi-obligatory task, like housecleaning, or cooking, or taking care of the car, infant, or family pet. That way, not only can you be intensely passive aggressive about your own feelings, but you can discomfort your partner while they're doing something they're probably unwilling, or at least unprepared, to simply walk away from. Then lovingly and acceptingly go on and on about how now you understand what's going on in their head, and why they've been behaving the way the book is describing. Also belabor the point that you've never really understood them before you found this one deeply revealing text, but now everything is finally clear.
Now, you can go for the gold - "Now that I know why you're doing this, I can begin to accept that you can't really talk about it with me yet, and maybe you aren't even being honest with yourself about it.' By saying that, not only do you completely invalidate any possible actual feelings they may be having, you even invalidate any attempts they may make to communicate with you, all while appearing to be genuinely concerned for their wellbeing and the welfare of the relationship. Congratulations, you've hit the Trifecta! If your partner started out willing to work on whatever issues the two of you have, you've now ensured that they are committed to a course of quiet seething and adamant refusal to negotiate. Well done. Soon you too will be able to sit at the bar quietly (or loudly) lamenting how another of your relationships inexplicably soured as soon as you really committed yourself to working on it, and why is it that no one is ever willing to work on a relationship in good faith.
Well.
On a somewhat less sarcastic note, underlining pop psych books can actually be helpful. In particular, sharing the parts that describe you and how you're feeling can be very useful, particularly if you have trouble clearly arranging or articulating your own thoughts and feelings. If your partner gives you a blank or confused look whenever you try to explain your internal state, either you're a pit viper, they're a pit viper, or you have trouble clearly articulating your own thoughts and feelings. Now, this is actually a pretty easy test. Look at your feet. Do you have them? Good, you're not a pit viper. Now, look at your partner. Have they got feet? Ok, since there are very few bipedal pit vipers, odds are pretty good that they aren't a pit viper either, and one or both of you are just bloody inarticulate. This is actually a really, really useful discovery - because now you can spend some time trying to be open, honest, and clear about how you feel, and giving your partner the chance to respond intelligently and lovingly to your concerns. And maybe if you try to do it in a better way than the losing behavior I described above (which luckily I've never been the victim of, but friends have actually told me that they do!), it will actually do you some good.
