More Really Interesting Stuff from John Gottman

[xthread]

Back in 2003 when my marriage blew up, I did an awful lot of relationship research very fast. Unfortunately, we didn't follow aggressively enough on some of the research I did, but I did learn some really interesting basic stuff:

1. Couples Therapy has a horrific failure rate
   
2. Its the best game in town
   
3. There are a tiny number of people getting about a 20% or some such success rate ('success' being defined as 'the couple is still around 1-3 years later, depending upon whose math you use)
   
4. The Gottman Institute seems to have the most serious research-derived models and seems to be getting the best results. Notably, above 70% success rates, which is a damned far cry from 20%.
   

And it seems that the work that the Gottman Institute has been doing has continued on apace. Here is a very recent speech. Wow. Just wow.

Comments

[vito-excalibur.livejournal.com]

This is very interesting, thank you for posting!

Also, did I hear a rumor it's your birthday? :) If so, happy birthday!

[tshuma]

Interesting.... I've been told by a couples counselor that the majority of counseling fails simply because the couple in question seeks help after they've already reached a no-compromise point. All a counselor can suggest at that point is better ways and means of communicating the various sides of such a point, without materially changing the point itself. I.e., most people seek help only when there's trouble, which seems blatantly obvious. His contention was that there was something broken in the communication and expectation portions of the relationship all along, that may only become apparent when people no longer wish to compromise.

It's held true for a number of my friends. Those who were seeking relationship counseling before they were even married had a better chance of building a successful marriage. Those who waited until after marriage to seek counseling generally approached it as a "Well, we don't know how to fix this, so it's probably over, but what the heck. Try everything," usually discovered that no, they really were done.

[cat-herder.livejournal.com]

As I get farther and farther away from the married state (something like 12+ years now?), I get less interested in doing it again. However, I find the Gottman work extremely useful for life in general. He wrote of the four horsemen of the apocalypse as relationship killers. This can apply to anything, be it a coupleness, work, friends, and so on. I find that by reigning in my horsemen, I have managed to improve any relationship I have. For work, it keeps me out of trouble. I just button my lip and keep my head down. For friendships, it helps me pick my battles. For relationships, it forces me to be honest in some ways and annoyingly circumspect in others.

There seems to be, in hacker circles, this insistence on "truth". In reality, a lot of "truth" is simply being annoyingly opinionated. Once folks learn to let a lot slide, life gets better. Everyone gets calmer. I mean, is it worth turning beet red over someone choosing to play Myst on an Apple or DOS box?

As for post marital fu, its an interesting exercise in the invevitable Monday morning quarterbacking, but realize that what you learn can help you everywhere, not just in the next relationship.

[achinhibitor.livejournal.com]

Once folks learn to let a lot slide, life gets better.

I imagine so.

But how many fractious couples are actually in the state where one or both of them would be better off without the other? Nobody is surprised when it's time for you to get a different employer...

[memegarden.livejournal.com]

Thank you for this. I'm reposting it. Parts of the interview brought tears to my eyes.

[memegarden.livejournal.com]

I have read some other things recently that fit well with what Gottman has to say. In particular, I am fond of a quote I found in an article on couples counseling, "All couples have irreconcilable differences."